""The baby's gone," he said, then quickly, "the pregnancy's gone." You knew that." You knew that. Well of course I knew that. I knew that from the very first grab of pain. From the day the test was positive...because it stands to reason, doesn't it, dear, that if the truth be told, if you want a thing so badly, so nakedly, if you fasten wish and will onto it, it just stands to reason you will not actually have it."
~Jacquelyn Mitchard
Mother Less Child
And sadly...so am I. This is a very hard thing for me to do, but do it I must. I am so sorry to inform you all that I miscarried this week. It seems cruel that something so private must be made so public, but I'm still getting the "congratulations....I heard you're expecting" and it knocks me to my knees everytime. We are crushed at the news, and yet filled with hope at the prospect of another little one some day. But for now it is so easy to wonder, "why me?" And why at this difficult time? And then I look at Gabe and remember that I was pregnant once. I carried a beautiful baby boy to term and labored him into the world. He smiles at me and I remember there is a God, who makes all things new and beautiful in their time and consequently, in His time. Gabe has been one of the best things for Justin and I during this time, besides eachother and the Lord. We both wanted this second child very badly, and look forward in the future to our dream coming true.
Thank you all for keeping in touch, and I am so sorry I have not been in touch for so long. We finally got our internet today, and well, this is the first chance, excluding the phone that I have been able to make this public. I will definitely be posting more often now, and getting some pics of Gabe up real soon. My goodness he has grown into such a handsome man. He has two beautiful teeth, crawls, is almost walking, and says mama and dada with such beautiful persitance that I am forced to do whatever it is he desires. I am spoiling my baby rotten. And why shouldn't I? He's my baby :)
And to recap....we're all safe and sound in Logan, Ohio pastoring West Logan Wesleyan Church and have been the last three weeks. We finally have a phone number now...so if you would like it please email and I'll hook you up.
""Feelings of loss and separation go hand in hand with a lack of differentiation from your mother. Especially when you anticipate a much-longed-for-event--such as pregnancy--and you feel that you didn't atain it to completion. The better your separation from your mother, the easier it is to cope with your losses.""
-Jill Model Barth, Ph.D., BCD
I think she's full of it. I only miss my mom more!
3 comments:
Raders,
We are SO sorry to hear of your miscarriage. I don't know if you had read any of our posts the last week (we deleted them now), but we were told we had miscarried, aslo....eventhough we are now being told that I am in fact pregnant, that doesn't change the feeling of horrendous loss we felt all last week. We, in our minds, still miscarried. We still experienced that horrible feeling of tremendous loss. We still grieved, and we still are cautiously excited about the now-positive results, because we fear of experiencing that pain again. I understand your pain--WE understand your pain. But just keep in mind, Jess, that our God is bigger than any other medical "professional" out there. Anything can happen! I don't want to sound Christian-ease right now, because I know you know all that stuff--all the Biblical "answers"....and I also know that knowing that doesn't change the situation--it doesn't take away the pain. But know this: we are praying for you...so hard. Because we, too, have shared in your pain. Hang in there...we love you guys. Give Gabe a huge hug and kiss and try to keep your chin up for his sake...babies hate to see their mamma hurting, and they are the one person on the face of this planet that you'll never be able to fool! We're praying for you, and that one day SOON, God will bless you with a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful new baby!
Jess I'm so sorry to hear about that, sorry for all of you, I can't even imagine what it would be like. My prayers are with you.
Hi Jess, I am sorry to hear your news but I just said a prayer for you today. I would like your phone number but I don't know what your email address is. email me at heathermdurkee@hotmail.com to let me know how i can reach you via phone. I am sure that Adam would love to catch up with Justin and I would love to talk with you too. Your in prayer!
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