WARNING: Transparency-The big "O", Two Week Wait, and so much more...

These phrases and yes, so many many more have characterised my life for the past five months and tonight, I'm coming out of the closet....so to speak. To be honest, I've debated sharing such personal information with basically, "to whom it may concern," but it's sadly become my life. And so when you've read on my blogs, "nothing blog-worthy to report," I'm talking about nothing impersonal to report. But I guess I just can't do that anymore. My life has taken a drastic change that I never dreamed would characterise my child bearing years. I guess I always took for granted that I would grow up, someday get married, and have children after I'd been married for 5 or so years. But sometimes our plans don't turn out as expected....can I get an amen? I got married, had a baby, and then grew up...and yes....in that order! It's sad, but true. When I entered my marriage (which is so beautiful and sacred to me) I was nothing more than a lost, confused little girl that had serious co-dependent tendencies, and looked for others or things for her identity. When the pre-conceived notions of marriage wore off (and let's face it...they do, and what's left over is not always pretty), I found myself forced to grow as a person. After all, how can you love someone else if you can't even love yourself? And so that was a long process, and in reality, a whole other blog entry in and of itself. But I've always wanted children badly. I believe more than anything else that the Lord has given me a dream, and that dream is to be a godly wife and mom...and to sing; to sing my heart out. If I die never doing anything else in this life, but living out my dreams, then I will have died a very blessed, happy, and content woman. And I have tasted the tiniest bit of my dreams. I have a husband that has given me wings. The Lord has used him tremendously in my life. I firmly believe that if it wasn't for his belief in me-in my potential, in who he saw I was and would be-then I wouldn't be where I am today. The Lord brought me a savior...not only in Himself, but through my husband. I also have the most beautiful boy I have ever seen, and to think that he's my heritage from the Lord!! It says that in the Bible...that children are our heritage from the Lord. I can't remember where, but if you're really interested, I'm sure I could find the scripture for you :) And to think that He's blessed me with the awesome priviledge and great responsibility or raising one of His own....wow. Blows my mind. And I sing...oh not nearly as much or in ways that I would like to...that dream is still in progress, but when I sing I sing my little heart out. I may not have the most amazing voice in the world, but it's mine, and it's a gift from above, and there's no way on this earth that I'm going to let it go to waste, when the Lord can minister to others and to me through song.

But there's something I've wanted to share. Something I've wanted to confess for the last five months. These last five months have challenged my faith, hopes, and dreams. These last five months have caused me to look at the world through different eyes, and to see my great God differently....mostly in good ways, and sometimes not so good ways. Most of you know already, but for those of you who don't know....I've lost two of my babies...my angels. They took their wings and are soaring. I miscarried once at 12 weeks, and again at 5 weeks...within months of each other, and haven't really talked much about it. I guess I haven't felt like I should. Miscarriage is such a shady, uncomfortable thing for some...and for me it is. But I still hurt. I miss my babies that I dreamed of someday caring for. There's nothing like loosing a child....born or unborn. And the only "cure" so to speak, it so "keep trying," "keep on keeping on," and my personal favorite (did you catch the sarcasm there?) "just relax...it's all in God's timing." And while my heart screams that may very well be true, my head doesn't understand all the why's. I have so many why's. And I am okay with the fact that they will never be answered. But that doesn't ease the pain.

And so we've been trying for the last two months following hopefully what will be our last loss, and every month that goes by, my heart grieves even more. Every new pregnant bump or announcement cuts just a little bit deeper than before. And I wonder if I'll tell everyone right away, or if I should wait.....it's all such a shady thing. There are no black and whites in trying to conceive. I now live my life in two week increments....waiting to ovulate, and waiting to test. This I hate very much. I hate how it's controlled my life. I want to sit back and let it all happen in it's own time, but my losses have caused me to "try" all the more...just a little bit harder then last time. So that's it. I've finally shared what I've wanted to share, but have shied away from. Even now I wonder if I've shared way too much...but it's too late now...I've taken way too long to write this post....to delete it now would only mean precious time wasted that I could be downstairs snuggling with my hubs. So I'll send this. Welcome blog world, to our world. And from now on I'll be sharing little updates each month as to which two week wait I'm on, and now I'll have lots more to blog about since this IS my life!! I know the Lord is going to bless us with another child. And I know it's going to be in His time. The patience will just not come soon enough.

And so, my trying to conceive saga continues, and I step out of the closet broken and bruised, but not without hope...my heart knows that full well!