I'm taking a much deserved break from my non-blogging hiatus to proudly announce....
It's a girl!!!!
Or at least the baby was in her dream. My boss had a (prophetic?) dream that I became pregnant, gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and named her....(and I'm kicking myself for this one) I can't remember the name!! It was something like Abigail, or Elizabeth...something we DEFINITELY talked about naming the baby should Elijah had been of the more, how shall I say, feminine persuasion? Coincidence? Prophecy in the making? I can only wonder! It's no secret how my heart has longed for a sweet little princess, but to be honest....2 boys....make that 3 can wear a woman out! And while I never imagined myself has a hard-rocking mom to two of the most precious boys who have ever breathed life, I suppose it goes with my new job-description. Pack away the nail-polish, tights, patten-leather shoes and (shiff*sniff) Barbie Dolls, and let's bust out the footballs, weird looking action figures and cars galore! I can handle that...but...I wonder...will I ever get to upack that stuff? And not just once a year for myself? I don't have the answer to these tormenting questions. All I know is that God has blessed my socks (and pattent-leather shoes) off with the family He's given me. Still the mother in me can't help but wonder...is there a girl in the mix for me? Which brings me to a question I've been meaning to ask. I REALLY want to know what you all think out there. So, come on scholars and non alike, and share some opinions and insights with a confused mommy. And this goes for things other than children. Do you think that God ordains you to have a certain amount of children? Is the Lord involved in the miniscule things in your life? Such as...is there a certain job He would rather you have over another one? Is there a certain person He has specifically designed for you to marry and then...if you miss that person then oops for you? Does that mean that your marriage won't be as good as it would have been had you been with the "right" person? I've talked to people on both sides and while I don't claim to be a scholar by any means, I think it's safe to say that I'm tampering in the sensitive balance between Calvanists and Arminians??? This entire question came about during a "discussion" between Justin and I as to whether there would be (on purpose) any more children in our future. Any more girl chidlren. I am of the persuasion (and have no idea as to how accurate this theology is) that if the Lord desires me to have another child then I will. Somehow. And if I pray for a girl, that He could choose to answer that prayer and bless me with a girl. Somehow. I believe that He gave me the STRONG desire to raise a girl and since He's given me that desire, He will fill it somehow. I also believe that no other jobs opened up for me because the Lord had my current job in mind. He wanted me there. Other's I've talked to disagree and state that God doesn't care what I have. As long as I'm serving Him while at that job. With the family I have. Girl or no girl. Desire or no. But I can't accept that. My mind won't let me. Am I alone in thinking this? Is this a very Calvanistic point of view? I'm told it is. Which would make sense because I was raised with a very Calvanstic influence. And I'm not bashing Calvanists or Arminians. I just want to know what others think. And I desperately want to know the truth. And I use the children example because that's what's nearest and dearest to my heart, and something that makes so much sense to me. Why would the Lord place such a desire in my heart for a girl, and never answer that prayer??? My mind can't understand why, and yet I know that He's Sovereign and gives and takes away, and ultimately knows what is best for us. BUT....that's the big word here....but what does that mean specifically in my case? This is being transparent here, but I definitely think that I might, perhaps, someday, on my better days....think that I could imagine possibly being pregnant one more time in hopes and prayers that the Lord would bless our family once again with a girl. It's like this. I believe that the Lord created Elijah and Gabe to be with Justin and I. Some would say that I could have married Jo-Shmoe and could have had five children and it doesn't matter the gender, or who they are. Just as long as I do the Fathers will. Is something wrong with me in that this type of thinking drives me crazy? I almost cannot imagine having a relationship with a God that, not that He says "This will happen and there's nothing you can do about it," but one where He plans for things and desires that certain things happen (i.e your marriage partner, the number of children you will have, their gender, your jobs, etc.) and if they don't thing's just aren't the same. I guess I can argue for both sides of the fence just like I'm tempted to do know. Hence the reason I'm so darn confused. This is what happens when I don't blog for who knows how long.
Time to go...Gabe needs a hair-cut before I go to work. Any insight into this crazy off the wall bunch of questions? Any thoughts???
And after re-reading what I've wrote I think I've confused myself even more! Hopefully this all makes sense to you...
7 comments:
i think that God will give you the desires of your heart as long as you are following him and living for him. i don't think he has a certain amount of kids planned out for you or anything like that..but if you really want a girl and you ask him for one..i dont see why you one day won't have one.
So nice to see you back in blogdom. I have missed you!
Well, here's my Calminian thought. I think that sometimes God ordains things, and sometimes not, dependning on His desires. I think God can ordain a specific encounter with someone at a Tim Horton's, but I don't think everytime I have a donut craving it is of God. I think that God could ordain a couple to have a certain child (personality, sex, etc) and sometimes He leaves things a little more up to the laws of nature. We see in the Bible many times that God ordained very special things for people's lives even before they were born (Jacob/Essau for example). I think sometimes it rains because God knows a farmer needs it desperately for his crops, and other times it's beacuse the clouds were heavy with moisture. I do not, however, claim to always (or even often) be able to tell which is which. I do beleive God can ordain every little detail, I'm just not sure He does. Those are my thoughts. Not sure if it clears up the situation at all or just confuses it more.
Seems like you've talked yourself into a huge state of confusion. I'm pretty much in agreement with Dena, but since I've already got this big thing typed up..here you go...
(Dena you are much more concise than I)
You: "Do you think that God ordains you to have a certain amount of children? "
Me: Not necessarily. Of course I think he can and sometimes does. Look at the flip side of this. Think about those couples that struggle with infertility, who feel like it’s God’s plan for them to have children, and they never do. Does this mean that it’s not God ordained for them to have children, and yet they still desire to?
You: "Is the Lord involved in the miniscule things in your life?"
Me:Yes, I believe he is.
You: "Is there a certain person He has specifically designed for you to marry"
Me: I don’t think. I think there could be a number of men that should I have chosen to marry them, I would have been happiness and contentment.
(like the saying “There are many I can live with, but then I found the one I couldn’t live without) I don’t believe that Andrew was THE ONLY man in this universe for me. I think it has a lot more to do with following God in your personal life, dating people who are liked minded with you (ie: faith, values, morals, etc.), and making a godly, wise, and prayerful decision. Many people marry somebody and it’s just a plain bad choice – I don’t think it’s because they bypassed that one person who was supposed to be made for them, and then were just ‘out of luck’ from there on out. I believe that once I chose Andrew and he chose me God blessed our marriage and started creating us for one another within our marriage. Because of my choice (to marry Andrew) there NOW is no one else for me. (FYI- this wouldn’t be a surprise to Andrew – he feels the same)
Along the same lines, if something were to happen to either of us and one should die does that mean the other is destined to live a life of solitude on one’s own since their ‘one person’ is now gone. Does that mean that those who re-marry (for various reasons) have only got 2nd best, or 3rd best, and so on?
You: "..And if I pray for a girl, that He could choose to answer that prayer and bless me with a girl. Somehow. I believe that He gave me the STRONG desire to raise a girl and since He's given me that desire, He will fill it somehow."
Me: Very possible and you know better than anyone the personal promises he whispered in your soul. My question would be: If you Do become pregnant with child #3 and pray fervently for it to be a girl and it comes out a boy, what will that do to your faith?
And I use the children example because that's what's nearest and dearest to my heart, and something that makes so much sense to me. Why would the Lord place such a desire in my heart for a girl, and never answer that prayer???
What IS the desire of your heart? Is it to:
To be a mother
To have another child
To have a healthy Child
I can understand the desire to want a specific gender, but where does it/should it fall on the list of ‘the desires of our heart’?
I can honestly tell you that when I was pregnant with our daughter I really wanted a baby girl. I would have been perfectly pleased and elated with a boy, but secretly I wanted a little girl to dress up, to do her hair, to bake with, to go shopping with….but I can (now, and could then) admit that that was a selfish desire. It was something I wanted for my own sake, for myself. It wasn’t a desire of my heart. Beyond my own personal desire, the desire of my heart (and true ache) was to have a healthy child to love. And when she spent 1 week in intensive care, and was hooked up to so many machines and tubes that I couldn’t hold her until 4 days after her birth – I didn’t blame God, I blamed my stupid uterus for not holding her longer.
If God doesn’t grant you a baby girl, maybe it isn’t because he’s rejecting the desire of you heart. Maybe it’s because one sperm swam faster than another and that’s kind of how he designed it to work. Or maybe it’s because the desires of HIS heart are greater than what the gender will be.
I don’t know of any mom’s whose heart desire is to have a handicapped child. But I do know of a few Godly women who did give birth to a handicapped or terminally ill child. What does this mean about God, if we believe that he automatically gives us ‘the desires of our heart’?
Sometimes I have a big issue with the whole “God will give me the desires of my heart because the Bible says so” outlook (which I’m not necessarily saying you have, but it has been brought up). I think the Bible is talking more about our desires lining up with the desires of His heart- and what that looks like. Besides if I’m going to bank on him giving me all the desires of my heart then I’d have to blame him for NOT coming through with said desires when I was sure he would. And that just doesn’t add up to me.
You: "I believe that the Lord created Elijah and Gabe to be with Justin and I."
Me: No doubt about that. He allowed you to get pregnant (he didn’t cause you to get pregnant – Justin did) And he formed those children in your womb to become the precious little guys you know them to be now. His hand was on that, guiding it.
You: "Other's I've talked to disagree and state that God doesn't care what I have. As long as I'm serving Him while at that job.
....Some would say that I could have married Jo-Shmoe and could have had five children and it doesn't matter the gender, or who they are. Just as long as I do the Fathers will. "
Me: I don’t think I’d be that strong in my thinking/theology. “Just as long as I do the Father’s will” That brings up a whole other discussion on “Just what is the Father’s WILL”……..
Like I said I think you know better than anyone if God has given you a personal promise in the midst of your relationship with him. If he has, that’s not something I can dispute, nor would I want to. I hope that you DO have the opportunity to be blessed with a daughter! What an exciting day that would be for you!
Often times when I’m examining the ‘what I believe’ topics, I reverse the scenario and see if what I thought I believed still holds true. If it doesn’t then I know I must reexamine the former. Which I guess is why this topic is not so confusing to me.
(On a side note I’ve seen scholars debate this topic and come out really confused…which leads me to believe that it’s a very confusing topic for really smart people. Meaning you fit into that category…)
Let me be clear in saying that there is nothing out of God’s control if he so desires. He has the ability to prevent, start, and intervene in many things in our lives. But I don’t think he always chooses to do so. I think often he allows life to happen and encourages and longs for us to look to him and turn to him for guidance, wisdom, and partnership when sorting through it all.
(I understand that this topic brings varying views, which will not agree with mine. In fact my husband and I differ on a few of them. And I’m okay with that -this is just one perspective to toss into the mix)
Thank you all for your extremely helpful comments. I appreciate all your different takes and such. Kristi, I've often wondered whether my desire for a female gender is a selfish one. That is one I've wrestled with in my heart from day one, and I don't feel the Lord has revealed anything to me yet on the status of that desire :) I am fully willing to accept the fact that I'm just being plain selfish and constantly seek God on this desire. When you flip it (i.e infertility, handi-cap children) it seems to get more black and white for me....I seem to be able to understand it more. The trouble is....I don't believe there always is a black and white with Christ, as you mentioned. Different situations call for different things, and I appreciated the examples you gave. I agree with what both you and Deana stated. I don't believe that God always gives us the desires of our heart. I hope that I did not come across that way in my confused ramblings. I was just meaning in my specific case of desiring a daughter someday. And I am willing to accept and be perfectly content if a daughter is not in the mix for me. It's not like I will die should I never give birth to a daughter. And should I be with child again someday, and I pray for a girl and give birth to another wonderful boy, my faith will not be shaken. I understand that sometimes we do not get the desires of our heart...I guess I was just rambling about my own desires and, well...really desiring them someday. I worry that I come across negatively about having boys. I don't mean to. I love my boys and wouldn't trade them in for one girl in a minute. Just desires...perhaps selfish ones, but honest desires such as that. And I hate feeling like I have to justify myself!!!!! Not that either of you have made me feel the need to do this, but this topic (for me) is so hard to get my mind around. And I'm okay like that. My relationship with Christ can only be strengthened through questions such as these, and I believe that He wants us to ask questions, if we're really willing to listen and grow in their truths. All that to say. Girl or no girl I will praise and be thankful. And it has always been my constant ambition to ask Christ to show my selfishness to me, so that I may not be so. Thank you again for your comments!! I can't tell you how I appreciate insights I've never thought about before :)
Don't worry about needing to justify yourself, Jess. I don't think any of us thought you meant you might die without a little girl, or that it is your highest priority. I think most Moms secretly dream of pig-tails and ballet classes, even if we say all we want is a healthy baby. Of course the health and safety thing is top concern, but we can't help having those dreams. It's normal. I think I kinda wanted Micaiah to be a girl, but now that I have him I wouldn't change a thing. I love the trucks and dirt and boy stuff, too. But of course, a girl in the future would be nice. Don't worry Jess, I think we understand.
Wow - again...Dena beat me to it...
No need to justify your thoughts or feelings. You didn't come across
the wrong way. Most mothers can understand each other's ramblings...esp. when discussing our kids, babies, genders preferences...etc.
I agree with you, it is important to ask these questions though and search through them. We can always gain perspective from others when we allow ourselves to.
I want to reiterate what I said on maria's site about kidding.If you had seen me in person I would have had a straight face and then let it slide into a smirk. Really, just playing off your nervousness.
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