Musings from a Troubled Soul

Confession. Why I write "confession" I do not know. Perhaps subconsiously I admit a growing obsession for the far reaching, often unknown and misunderstood effects ones' own past can have on the mind and soul and how the spiritual realm is vastly affected. I picked this book from the knowing shelves of my local Library. I was drawn to it for unknown reasons. Once I began this gripping, disgusting, horrifying true story of incest and what was diagnosed as Multiple Personality Disorder (??) I found myself lost in a world in which there are no words to convey its ugliness. Since the completion of the tale late last night I've yet to emerge from the hell it transported me to. Questions bounce off the inner recesses of my mind as I struggle to surface from the black hole of nothingness that has seemed to suck me in. Sleep was troubled, disturbed, and lost within the world in which I've been trying so desperately to escape. So many questions. Confusing to my reader this post may be...unless you've read this book. I've spoke of these questions, and I will ask the ONE that's able to surface-has anyone else read this book?? I mean, I know countless have read this book I'm sure, but...what did you think? What did you feel? How did it affect your every waking moment, your sleeping ones as well? This book was not written from a Biblical point of view by any means. That very fact causes concern to well within, my conscience on the verge of attack. And yet something inside presses me on. We live in an evil world, controlled by none other than the evil one himself. What parts of this book are the devastating, horrifying effects of sin in all its ugliness shoved upon one impresisonable soul, and what parts are the sadistic control of the enemy? Is Multiple Personality a mental condition or a spiritual condition (keeping in mind that since we are spiritual creatures spirituality is always a factor. The question in this case is...how much?) Or is there a discernable line? Without a doubt this post will alarm and confuse some readers. My God given discernement for what remains unseen to so many can be unsettling to some. Others of you will understand this post more than words can convey. Like I said, my sleep was restless and my thoughts are many and who knows with how much clarity I've communicated. All I know is that I've got to get to the bottom of this. If there is a bottom to be reached. A conclusion to be gained. An answer to many relentless quesions. One question I do know the answer to, and that is this, this book has caused me to directly face the difficult amount of spiritual oppression (the kind you can cut with a knife) that I've been under as of the past two weeks. A suprise to my readers yes, a surprise to me? Not at all. This is a part of my life that has always been. A struggle within a gift that I've been given. Discernment of many things...especially the presence of evil, but most importantly and redeeming of all, the presence of Him who has given this gift. There are reasons for this, some I cannot share with you, some I cannot share publically. Rest assured this is both a gift and a curse sometimes. One that I don't take lightly. One that I am constantly reminded must be under the submission of Christ or else much is at stake. We do not choose the gifts. It is the Giver, Jesus Christ Himself that makes us who we are, and allows who we are to be shaped by past experiences. Only He can turn evil into the glorification of His name. And so to Him I bow the knee this morning and seek wisdom on a topic so delicate, so entwined in who I am today. And so to you, I ask again...have you read the story of Trudy Chase?

Part of me worries that no one that stumbles across this blog has. Such a deep post for such a beautiful morning. Part of me starts to apologize and the other part says no way. This is life from a different perspective than perhaps what you may or may not have experienced. Life is not always pretty. Granted Christ has come to redeem us; set us free...but as so many of you know, the far-reaching effects of sin (whether ours or someone elses) cannot be measured with a ruler.