How much sorrow can one heart bare?

Apperently a lot. But my testimony this morning is that God is not only good, faithful, just, and always on time no matter what, but that he truly knows what I can and can't handle. I praise his name for that. Another trajedy has struck the Rader family. We lost our second baby once again, just this morning...this time at five weeks. I didn't think a heart could break again and still be able to say praise the Lord. Yesterday when this all started I couldn't, but somehow the Lord reached down and mended my broken heart. Granted I am still mourning the loss of again another child that I desperately wanted. I prayed and believed that the Lord was going to again bless me with another child. This month he did and he took it away. He gives and takes away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord BLESSED BE YOUR NAME. I have so many unanswered questions. Why would he allow something like this to happen again? Why, after I prayed and he answered, would he seemingly take back his answer? I don't know if these questions will ever be answered this side of heaven, but I do know in whom I believe, and I know without a doubt that he is able to take that which I've commited to him and hold it until the day when I will know. I will see my babies again someday, small as they were, and I will know and for that I praise the Lord.

And so I go to the doctors tomorrow to make sure...nothing has been confimed by a doctor yet, but I'm starting to get too familiar with the signs and symptoms, and I'm positive that a miscarriage has taken place. And so where do I go from here? I honestly don't know. Everyone keeps telling me (when I say everyone I mean 2 people) to just "keep trying," but to me keep trying means running the risk of loosing another child once again, and the possibility of hurting even more. But bringing another baby into this world, and fulfilling my dreams of motherhood even more drive me to keep trying and to keep pressing on. There's always a risk to everything, right? Love comes with risks. It's part of life, and it's something that I am willing to do.

And then there's my seemingly miracle baby, my angel Gabriel, who has brough me more joy that I ever though humanly possible. I have fallen so much more in love with my son and I do every day. I never though I would feel the way I do towards him. A mother's love runs deep...all you mothers know what I mean? His 1 yr birthday is rapidly approaching here in the next few weeks and I am super excited about it!! We're going with an Elmo theme. I'm even making his cake, which I just can't wait to begin working on :) December 2nd is the big day. Gabe has been taking a few steps on his own for the past couple of weeks, so I believe that it's only a matter of time until he starts trotting off on his own...and won't that be the day?

And now after an insanley long post I feel it my blog duty to inform you all that I have made a pact with myself to blog more...and so blog more I shall.