Conservative

I was told today by my OBGYN to be "conservative" in regards to this pregnancy. Can I ask a question? What in the HECK does that mean? As I pondered this otherwise profound question, I came up with a few answers of my own.

Answer # 1. The doctor has a point (from a human perspective). I've miscarried twice. In all actuallity it can happen again, and sadly has happened on more than one occassion to a great many other women. So I can understand why he would tell me to be "conservative."

Answer # 2. He just doesn't want to get sued for malpractice or something. Nowadays, you can get sued for looking at someone funny, and they are probably worried that I'll say they gave me false hope and sue their coward butts.

Answer # 3. I had the smallest amount of spotting on Sunday night and Monday morning. I freaked out and called the doctor, which I should have done, and spotting must be taken seriously and could indicate a potential problem.

All that said, this week has been one of the most challenging weeks of my life, in regards to waiting on the Lord. If I could sweat drops of blood as Jesus did when he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane, I'm sure I would have during my prayer times this week. I don't know that I've ever prayed so fervantly for anything in my entire life. I don't know that I've ever felt so out of control, powerless, and scared. I don't know that I've bargained with God like I have this week. I reminded myself of Hannah in the temple; so into pleading and pouring her heart out to the Master for a son that the temple priest thought she was drunk. She told the Lord that if He would only but bless her with a son, that she would return him back to the Lord. What a bargain! And a little more costly than most of us would agree to. But I promised the Lord that if He would spare this child in my womb, that I would raise this child up in the best way that I knew how, into loving and serving the Lord. And up 'till now, he has done just that. A speaker I recently heard spoke of a verse in 1 Samuel that has become very dear to my heart his past week, and one that I have quoted over and over to the Lord, and to myself to calm wary and extremely frazzled and frayed nerves. For the life of me I can't remember the reference, but it's based on the word Ebenezer, which literally means "Up until now, God has helped us." And all that's come to mine, when I've quieted my heart before the Lord and tried to listen (and if any of you know me you know how hard of a task this can be!!!), all that's come to mind is this simple phrase, "Ebenezer-Up 'till now, God has helped me." And that's all I know how to say. That more than anything else, has gotten me through this week.

I've been told to be "conservative," but I don't really buy that one bit. And you know why? Because I've begged, bargained, and pleaded with the Lord that there would be no more blood this pregnancy, that there would be healthy beta (pregnancy hormone) levels this pregnancy, that this child in my womb would not see the light of day until approximately 8 months from now, and I can say with full assurance that "up 'till now, God has helped me." He has answerd my prayers!! No spotting since early Monday morning, a healthy beta number on Tuesday (600's) and another sweet number today, Thursday, (over 1300)!!!! Which, regardless of what the doctor says, is an answer to prayers, and is a reason to be happy and to have hope. I wrote earlier that the doctor has a point, but from a human perspective, and I am a firm believer that pregnancy and human perspective do NOT go hand in hand. God is a God of miracles, and I believe that He is working one inside me right now, who's heart will begin to beat from tomorrow on.

So does this mean I'm not scared anymore? Does this mean I don't run to the bathroom 100 times a day checking for blood? Does this mean I can finally relax and enjoy this precious pregnancy? In all honestly, I'd have to say no. I am still terrified. Though everything is looking good, one more test I must pass for the doctor to give me a green light. An ultrasound this Tuesday. According to him, we're not in the green until he sees a baby on Tuesday. And all that continues to pummel my mind is that everything is going to be okay. Even if he tells me to be "conservative..." even if by the worlds standards there's still a chance that it's not okay to hope...even if I've lost two precious children already...even if the prognosis looks grim....

...with Jesus Christ, there's always hope...and there's always miracles. Ebenezer-"Up 'till now God has helped me." This pregnancy is a miracle. The Lord has heard and answerd my prayers, and has brought me through this trying week thus far. And He can get me through the next 4 days until my ultrasound.

Keep our family in your prayers. We desperately desire this child, and God is faithful to do it.